


what's that thing shakespeare said? about names?

by amosanguis



Series: Episode & Movie Tags/AUs [54]
Category: Barry (TV 2018)
Genre: Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Dom/sub Undertones, Episode AU: s02e02 The Power of No, Episode Tag, Infidelity, M/M, Not Romance, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slurs, barry's conscience loses the fight, barry-centric, hope you like the em dash and parentheses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 23:16:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20750387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amosanguis/pseuds/amosanguis
Summary: A conscience. The most crippling kind of injury in his line of work. (Around Hank, though, Barry's mind is quiet.)





	what's that thing shakespeare said? about names?

**Author's Note:**

> A write-and-post, please forgive any mistakes.

-z-

A conscience.

The most crippling kind of injury in his line of work.

In Afghanistan, they chant his name, they clap him on the back, they scream _ooh-RAH_.

They call the enemy slurs to make the killing hurt less, to put some distance between their two sides. The enemy is _target_ and _threat_ and _sheepfucker_ and Barry doesn’t cry when he kills ‘em. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t laugh (after those first two), and he sure as shit doesn’t feel guilty (not until that last one, not until he’s told that he needs to feel guilty) – he just moves on to the next _target, enemy, threat_.

Barry puts down his gun—

—he doesn’t get rid of it—

—but he puts it down.

He calls NoHo Hank an _idiot_ and then thinks about calling him _target_ – (except Barry’s put down his gun, remember?) – and then Hank is standing in the parking lot, leaning against his car and he tells Barry, in exact and precise language, with words that leave no room for argument, that Barry’s to call him _boss_. That Barry works for him now.

It brings Barry up short, forces him to look at _Hank_ before he lowers his voice and his eyes and asks for forgiveness.

Forgiveness that Hank freely gives – confident that his message has gotten across, that Barry knows the acting class, Barry’s little slice of safe space, would be in very real danger should Barry think to stray again – and then Hank is getting into his car and he leaves.

Barry almost follows him before he stops himself, wondering at the feeling.

Guilt – hot and ugly, a living and breathing thing that claws up and along the inside of his throat – chokes him.

(A first kill and then two are dead and they chant Barry’s name.)

(A kill, not a third or fourth or fifth, just another _target_-_threat_-_sheepfucker_ and this time they send Barry to the hospital. _Friend. Ally. Innocent._ That’s what they say this time.)

(A kill, no number given to this one, just _target-assignment_ and one of many to come.)

(A kill, because Chris says, “I’m going to the cops,” and Barry screams as _Chris_ becomes _threat_ becomes _target_.)

(A kill, he doesn’t want to, but _Janice_ becomes _obstacle_ then _enemy_, and Barry tries – he does – he tries – but then _enemy_ turns to _target_ and then Barry is moving.)

Barry stares at the guns in his mattress and chokes on Guilt as it wriggles and writhes inside him.

“Do you think I’m evil?” Barry asks.

“Oh, my god,” Hank says, rolling his eyes and smiling. “I mean, absolutely! Do I not tell you that enough?”

Barry _wants_ to recoil, _wants_ to close his eyes against the weight of the words – except Hank says it with awe—

_I mean, absolutely!_

—with concern—

_Do I not tell you that enough?_

—then he looks at Barry and there’s adoration and glee in his eyes. And Barry starts to explain himself, to say he doesn’t want to be evil, that he doesn’t take joy in this work, but, looking at the plain acceptance on Hank’s face, it makes the words die on Barry’s tongue.

Hank walks into Barry’s apartment like it’s nothing and Barry’s standing there, frozen in the hallway.

It’s bad timing – his roommates have just paused their game for a bathroom-and-snack break, the first in hours; five minutes earlier or later and Hank could’ve walked by them without them even knowing – and they stare at him, at his baldness and his tattoos and the way he moves around them without ever looking away from Barry. By the time they remember themselves and go to ask for an introduction, Hank and Barry have disappeared into Barry’s room.

The door locks behind him and Barry knows what Hank is here for.

Barry doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t think about what it means that his mind is silent with Hank around like this – moving against Barry as he likes, talking to Barry as he likes, ordering Barry to fuck him as he likes.

Hank is loud and there’s no secret anymore what’s happening behind this door. Sally’ll know within the hour and Barry mourns her and the life he could have had with her.

This is Hank claiming him, reclaiming him, and Barry will be gone from this apartment before the sun sets – he’ll be expected to follow Hank out of here. And, in the quiet of his mind, Barry finds he has no argument against it.

Barry enters the monastery and raises his red right hand, his conscience silent.

-z-

End


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